Octopus' Garden

Monday, July 28, 2008

CONVERSATIONS WITH MY JAPANESE MOTHER: HEAT WAVE EDITION

Weather:

JM: Wachhhh! So hot! Your father and I go downtown and I just about sweat to death!

AH: I'm sorry to hear that!

JM: So humid too! Give me heat stroke!

AH: Humid? Really?

JM: I don't know what going on!! Not like July weather!

AH: Global warming?

JM: Why you talk like such crazy Democrat? Oh wait . . . you are Democrat. You want government steal all your money.

AH: Yes. That's exactly it.

JM: But you don't have any money. Don't even own your own house. No wonder you don't care government steal all your money!

AH: No wonder.

JM: But my hair! Complete stick to my head, so hot! And my glasses all fog up! And sweat go in my eyes! And your father, he take such long time -- he such complete slow poke -- make me waiting, waiting, waiting forever in hot car like some kind of dog! I can't stand it! And then I get a little bit grouchy!!! You ask your father! He tell you!


Sartorial Issues, Redux:

JM: Hey! You wear that nice suit I got you last time you here?

AH: No, not yet.

JM: Yeah, you need do sit up first. Get six-pack ab. Skirt just little bit tight.

AH: Just a little.

JM: So when you going to wear it?

AH: I don't know yet.

JM: Such nice suit! Suck all my money away! Like money vampire! You better promise me you wear it!

AH: Maybe I'll wear it at the winter residency graduation for the Nebraska M.F.A.?

JM: Oh good! Yes! That perfect! You do that! Then everybody going to be so surprise! They all say, Who that girl in nice suit? We don't recognize her? Instead of such hippy looking. They can't believe it! Don't you know?

AH: Um . . . I guess so.

JM: Hello, guess so! You wear such nice suit instead of such ugly hippy looking outfit and everything complete different! You wear that kind suit and pull hair back so have swan neck instead of ugly duckling neck and some millionaire Prince Charming going want to marry you!

AH: OMG, are you on crack?

JM: I don't know what you mumbling about. But okay, you right . . . maybe not in Nebraska. Too many country bumpkin and not enough millionaire. So maybe you have to go on The Bachelorette.

AH: WTF?????

JM: But first you have go on The Biggest Loser!!!!
posted by Artichoke Heart at 12:58 AM

8 Comments:

What - didn't you know you can live an entirely normal and not-at-all weird life entirely in the view of the American public by hopping from one "reality" show to the next?

Additionally, and not tangentially, I need to go hug my mom now...
Blogger jill, at 7:31 AM  
Every time, every time, I read these, I think, she has got to be making this up. And then, I picture your mother saying these things, and it fits.

BTW, I also think there are already tons of millionaire Prince Charmings who want to sweep you of your feet.
Blogger Lu, at 8:57 PM  
Aw shucks, Lu! Hee.
Blogger Artichoke Heart, at 9:04 PM  
Sorry AH, even in a nice suit, you will always be hippie! I was going to read the post earlier today, while at work, but knowing that any time you post a conversation with your mother I laugh out loud, I thought it best to wait till I was in more relaxed surroundings. As I expected, I laughed heartily. Brilliant. Hope your summer is going well.
Blogger P. Block, at 10:36 PM  
Oh, P. Block! Raining on my Nice Suit Street Cred Parade, are you?!?!?! Hee. Summer's going too quickly, but is pretty terrific! Are you loving "Peer"? Hope so!!!
Blogger Artichoke Heart, at 10:40 PM  
I'm going to quit everything else I do on the internet and just sit around waiting for you to post more of these convos with your mom - hilarious!! And you look beautiful in your hippie shirts!!
Blogger LG Burroughs, at 11:44 AM  
Oh, AH, when will you retire your such hippy looking for money vampire? Nice suit steal all JM's money and you don't care!
Blogger superbigmuch, at 11:54 AM  
Somewhere in an alternate universe, your parents are having dinner with Frank and Estelle Costanza. ;-)
Blogger mahnu.uterna, at 2:20 PM  

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