Octopus' Garden

Sunday, June 01, 2008

CONVERSATIONS WITH MY JAPANESE MOTHER (DRIVING EDITION)

JM: That's red light! You have to stop!

AH: Yeah.

JM: You better stop!

AH: I'm stopping!

JM: Oh! (Clutching stomach.) You stop so hard. Is gut shaker! How I'm going to survive it? Wachh! Look at that. Weather get nice and all kid come out. Like ants! You know, you have such Brat Cat, I think if you have kid they going to be completely spoil. You let do whatever they want. No punish. Completely brat.

AH: Excuse me? All hail, Queen of the Non Sequitur?

JM: You make such bigshot blahblahblah talking so pretend you don't know what I talking about.

AH: Huh?

JM: See. Don't make Ajapa Face at me.

AH: What's an Ajapa Face?

JM: That's when you make face like you don't know what someone talking about. But you know exactly. You know that Sandra Oh? In Grey Anatomy? Always she making the Ajapa Face. So no, you listen! Don't be tonkachi head. (As if I'm impaired.) You . . . Brat . . . Cat!

AH: What about them?

JM: They such bad manner! That one who dead? It want to eat my chicken! I could tell! Try to poke me! It want to run away with chicken bone. Hey! That's good idea! (Laughing) Next time I come visit I feed all you Brat Cat chicken bone! Then they all choke to death!

AH: Hey! That's not very nice.

JM: Those Brat Cat don't how to behave when company come. Bad, bad manner.

AH: Yes, but they have great self esteem.

JM: Who care about such stupid thing?

AH: Exactly.

The Decemberists on CD Player: La di da di da.

JM: Too doo roo doo roo.

The Decemberists: La di da di da.

JM: Too doo roo doo roo. Hey! Don't turn there! No! Don't do it! Too many cars drive on that street. It's no good!

AH: I thought we were going to Safeway?

JM: Yeah, but this way better.

AH: Which way?

JM: I show you. No, not there. Here! Here! Turn now! Turn now! (Socks me in the arm. Aggrieved.) Too late! Go round block so we don't have to drive on street with too many cars. Your car's too red. Like big, big target. Everyone going to try to hit you. Make sure you park far, far away from other car in parking lot, too. They want to hit you with their door. And bang you with their shopping cart. And if you don't double check to make sure everything all lock up, they going to break in and rob you. Here! Turn here!

AH: I have to wait for the traffic to clear.

JM: (Impatiently.) Oh! Now! Jump! Jump now! Oh, you slow poke! Why you don't jump when I tell you to jump? Okay! Now you jump! See? Oh good! You jump!

The Decemberists: La di da di da.

JM: Too doo roo doo roo. Hey! That's a stop sign. That mean you suppose to stop.
posted by Artichoke Heart at 11:15 PM

8 Comments:

I love to move in here. See beginning 2:45.

http://www.vimeo.com/oohyeah
Anonymous Prince of the Non Sequitur?, at 8:23 AM  
I can't even stand the hilarity. You have made my day with this conversation! Thank you for sharing in your usual brilliant way.
Blogger anne, at 1:17 PM  
Hee!

And P(ot)NS: Hee again! Dancing! Octopus!
Blogger Artichoke Heart, at 4:36 PM  
Ha! I love these posts.

(and should the chicken bones come out at the next visit, the brat cats are welcome to slumber party with my (brat) cats)
Blogger nobody's starling, at 11:09 PM  
Thanks, nobody's starling! Hopefully, it won't come to that, but I'm relieved to know that my brat cats can Anne Frank it over at your house under threat of chicken bone.
Blogger Artichoke Heart, at 6:27 PM  
lol @ Japanese mom talking! These posts are one of my favorite things on the Interweb. "Ajapa face" is officially joining "Such stupid!" in my internal lexicon...too doo roo!
Blogger mahnu.uterna, at 10:45 AM  
Oh my God she would hate my cats. Also, I love that song!
Blogger jeannine, at 2:03 AM  
Actually, I think my mother says the exact same cats/children remark when she comes to visit...
Blogger jeannine, at 2:04 AM  

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