Octopus' Garden

Friday, May 04, 2007


1. Gory Details Re: Pestilence

After two weekend days of hallucinatory fevers and complete incapacitation, I went in to see my doctor on Monday, where it was revealed that I had a severe throat infection of unexpected magnitude. Med students were called in to take a look and marvel at the disgustingness of my pestilence. "Yikes!" they exclaimed. "Ouch!" they said. "Oh my God!" My doctor prescribed, in addition to a stiff round of antibiotics, Percoset(!), to alleviate the Nearly Unbearable Pain of Swallowing. All in all, there were five straight days of fever and utter incoherence. Wednesday was the first day I was able to drink fluids without feeling as if I were pouring battery acid down my gullet. Yesterday was the first day in an entire week that I was able to eat anything that wasn't an Edy's fruit popsicle. Last night I had my first real night of non-fevered sleep. Today I really feel like a real human being. I can't even begin to articulate how amazing it is to feel like something resembling a real person again.

Needless to say, in terms of the end-of-the-semester dismount? I am Deeply. Hugely. Profoundly. Unequivocally. Screwed.

* * *

2. Conversations With My Japanese Mother: Terrible Pestilence Edition

JM: Hey! You don't call us when get back from your trip. We been waiting, waiting, waiting by phone all day long since you suppose to get back time. No nothing. What's matter with you?

AH: Sorry. I'm sick. I want to die.

JM: Always you make such big lie excuse. What you sick for?

AH: I don't know? Because I'm in hell?

JM: [laughing] Yeah, you go straight to hell. That's what happen when you don't call when you suppose to.

AH: [mumbling] Yeah, definitely in hell.

JM: So why you so stupid get sick now? You can't afford be sick! It's end of the semester time! You can't afford miss class! What you think you going to do?!?!

AH: Okay, can we not talk about this right now? I don't know what I'm going to do. And I'm already very stressed out.

JM: You should be stress out. Such stupid!

AH: What?

JM: I told you need to be careful. Too much traveling. Always you get sick. And you never listen to me. Do you gargle with salt water every time you come home after leave house? You have to do every single time! Your father and I gargle with salt water every time we leave house. I bet you don't. I know you. You lazy! Do you wash hands and sing happy birthday? I bet you don't. You have to sing. [Commences singing lyrics to Happy Birthday because clearly, I -- uninformed Philistine that I am -- cannot be counted on to know the lyrics.]

AH: Oh. My. Fucking. God.

JM: Always so stupid get sick. I told you so!

AH: [to no one in particular] I wish I were dead.

JM: Yeah, we call you back sometime when not so stress out and such bad mood, okay?

* * *

3. Adventures in Ichtheology: A Nostalgic Interlude Looking Back to Happier, Pre-Pestilence Times

Apparently there is a local fish known as the Stickleback, which I happen to think is the Best. Name. Ever. (It has stickles! On its back!) In fact, I think that perhaps "stickleback" should be introduced into the vernacular, because what could possibly be more useful than to pepper one's conversations with homages to the Stickleback? For example: "X has been a mite stickleback-ish since he caught his girlfriend cheating on him with the Swann's delivery driver." Or, "Don't hate on Y's favorite band, [insert name here], or he'll get all stickleback-y on you for at least a full month." Or, "I told you. Z's a total stickleback!"

* * *

J: The pallid sturgeon is having difficulty reproducing in the wild.

KB: And why is that?

AH: [interrupting rudely] Hee. Because they're self-conscious!

J: Well . . . actually, that's kind of true.

AH: So do you suppose that makes the pallid sturgeon the J. Alfred Prufrock of the ichtheology world?

* * *

4. With a Burning Violin

For seven nights I have flickered until dawn
like a pale and incoherent flame
dancing again this reckless tarantella:
this fever, this fierce searing venom,
an ineluctable lightning in my veins.
posted by Artichoke Heart at 1:31 PM


I was worried.

But you are back.

Blogger Lu, at 4:08 PM  
Oh, sad. The only good thing about getting sick is that renewed feeling of humanness you describe. I was sick a few weeks ago, and I'm still enjoying being a real person again!

I'm glad you're feeling better!

Blogger Karin, at 4:43 PM  
Great comeback post, AH - it's so good to see signs of life in the Garden! I'm going to adopt "such stupid" into my vernacular...
Blogger mahnu.uterna, at 6:01 PM  
So good to have you back! Boo for the pestilence but congrats on the Percocet score. How are you going to make it through the school year wrap-up? On drugs, that's how! And that's exactly what you should tell your very funny mama :).
Blogger Dr. Medusa, at 10:48 PM  
Thank you, everyone!! :)
Blogger Artichoke Heart, at 1:18 AM  
I am glad you're feeling better!! Nice to read you again :)
Blogger Lee Herrick, at 11:18 AM  
Welcome back!

BrontoJem and I were worried that you wouldn't remember our visit and would wonder how a bag of chocolate and a weird card got into your house!
Blogger BrontoRen, at 5:55 PM  
Oof, I'm glad you are feeling better! I just got back from taking care of a post-hip-replacement mom for a week; they gave her Percoset in the hospital and it made her see bunnies jumping around on the walls. (Which, you know, bunnies aren't that scary normally, but one doesn't really expect to see a gaggle of them on a hospital room wall.) Apparently it is strong stuff. Hope you continue to feel better....
Blogger Anne, at 10:52 PM  
Blogger Radish King, at 2:41 PM  
Why are you all stickle-backy about your Mom? DO you wash your hands to the tune of Happy Birthday each time you return from the outside world? Why are you so hard to love?

Sigh. Pity the poor sturgeon.

While you were ill...I tried really hard to keep my loud, bad singing down to a minimum. Hopefully your rest cure was never interrupted by flat and unmelodic strains of songs by Quiet Riot or George Shearing.

I can't wait to see you again after we did ourselves out of our fuckloads of work!
Blogger Katy, at 9:43 PM  
Dig ourselves. That was supposed to be dig. 3-letter words are a little beyond me right now...
Blogger Katy, at 9:44 PM  
The 1950s cartoon characters Heckle and Jeckle are said to be magpies.

Just thought everyone would want to know...

Oh, the turkey vulture urinates on its legs to prevent bacteria from growing there.

Again, just thought you'd like to know....

Random out!

BTW--Glad the nastiness has gone the way of the Dodo.
Blogger P. Block, at 3:59 PM  

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