Octopus' Garden

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

HOUSE

[Upon waking up at 5:00 a.m. this morning with a fever, scrutinized by three frowning cat faces.]

Yuki: Patient presents with inflamed sinus cavities, sore throat, headache, backache, painful joints, and fever. Possibly something viral or bacterial.

Bean: Ooh! I bet it’s meningitis! Let’s do a lumbar puncture!

AH: Damnit. Stop poking me.

Bean: Ooh! And let’s chew her hair to see if she’s a reactive pupil.

Yuki: That’s not a real treatment.

Bean: Is too a real

Nobu: [Interrupting and blurting out.] Ooh! Ooh! It’s Notenoughturkeyforme Disease. I vote for the treatment where the patient has to go to the kitchen and feed us Jennie O until our tummies explode! Kapow!!

Yuki: You don’t get to vote, you puny, fangletty, batty nuisance. And hey! Don’t even think about writing on my white board or I’ll have to smack you into the next zip code.

Nobu: You always bogart the white board. Who died and made you Miss Bossy Pants?

Yuki: Shut up. I’m busy being a Diagnostic Genius. I think it’s cancer of the Pythagoreas Gland.

AH: [Weakly sitting up a little.] Huh?

Yuki: Furthermore, patient is clearly altered. The tumor has caused the body to release Neo-Fatal Spastics.

AH: OMG. You’re so totally making stuff up now. That’s not even right. And of course I’m altered. It’s 5:00 freaking a.m. and I haven’t had any coffee yet.

Bean: Let’s palpate the patient’s bladder to check for paralysis. If she gets up and goes to the bathroom she’s not paralyzed and we can rule out Catastrophic Cataleptic Catatonia.

AH: Oof! Hey . . . !

Yuki: Bean, who gave you a license to pun? Annoying kitten, you go break into patient’s office and check for toxic substances like asbestos or killer pothos plants or whatever. And sorry, we’re all out of hazmat suits, so you’re just going to have to go commando.

Nobu: Um . . . can’t we just eat Jennie O until our tummies explode?

Bean: I like Jennie O.

Yuki: Well, it’s risky, so nobody tell Cuddy. Patient, you need to consent to the Jennie O treatment. Or else we’ll have to intubate.

AH: We are so taking Oz off the Netflix queue.
posted by Artichoke Heart at 1:23 AM

2 Comments:

Lotus: What's wrong with the Person? She's sitting over there on the couch making weird noises and shaking up and down a little bit.

Bear: Oh, I've seen that before. Looks like a severe case of Bloggimus Amusemus. It will go away after she clicks a couple of those clicky things. Just watch.
Blogger Anne, at 8:46 PM  
King George (Field Notes): The Woman is utterly stupid. I scream in her ear and walk rudely over her feet while flicking my tail in an insulting manner and yet she does not get up to open the Door. She makes incomprehensible noises to the Visitor and then they each pour a vile smelling black liquid into large mugs and leave the room in separate directions.
My glare of contempt goes unacknowledged.
They seem a primitive species.
Blogger LitByFire, at 7:55 AM  

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