Octopus' Garden

Thursday, August 04, 2005


I know that I have spoken in the past of the B-Movie Alien Killer Swamp Fog that inevitably characterizes my first couple of waking hours, but in the event that any of you thought I was exaggerating, or indulging in hyperbole, consider the fact that this morning I tried to make my coffee maker produce coffee without putting any water in it.

And then I was confused about it.

Really, really confused.

I suppose that, somewhat in my defense, I could say that my morning coffee routine was disrupted by the discovery that I was out of freshly-ground coffee, and so my desperate fumblings toward achieving a Functional Level of Caffeination (FLC) were thwarted by having to grind up some fresh beans.

Which I did. Mmm . . . freshly ground beans!

Then I loaded up the coffee maker with fresh grounds, hit the Omnipotent Button of Impending Coffee Goodness (OBICG), relieved to be that much closer to achieving the aforementioned prerequisite daily quota of FLC, and stumbled off to the bedroom to potter around haphazardly without causing too much damage until the coffee was ready.

However, the burbling gurgle sound of the coffee maker, interspersed with short puffs and snorts of steam, ended after about thirty seconds. I was flummoxed. And ambivalent, too. One part of me was all like, "Yay! I'm so lucky . . . coffee's ready even faster than usual today!" The other part of me was all like, "Uh oh. Coffee Interruptus (CI)."

So I stumbled back into the kitchen to check out the situation, and attempted to pour myself a cup of coffee (I have one of those thermos carafe dealios that keeps the coffee hot for about four hours, but it's opaque, you see), and nothing came out of the thermos. I grabbed the thermos with both hands and shook it harder over the mug, as if to forcibly shake the coffee into existence and into my mug. Because, clearly, that was going to help. (Coffee Denial=CD).

Then I unscrewed the thermos lid to peer inside. It was hot and steamy inside the thermos, but there was no coffee. I had to physically restrain myself from emitting a Scooby Doo-esque sound of bafflement. Next, I became paranoid, and glanced around wildly, accusingly, at the cats, as if to say, "Who took my coffee? Did you take my coffee? Don't think I'm not on to you!" (Coffee Paranoia=CP).

Then I became white as a knuckle and terribly upset. Maybe the coffee maker was broken. Maybe there wasn't going to be any coffee. Shitfuckhell, shitfuckhell. What to do, what to do, what to do . . . (Coffee Withdrawal=Hopelessly Fucked (HF)).

But then finally, like in an old Loony Tunes cartoon, an enormous lightbulb with gigawatt voltage flipped on above my head. Oooooh . . . there wasn't any water in the coffee maker, was there? (Coffee Epiphany=CE).

Coffee Gratification (CG)? Priceless. For everything else there's MasterCard (MC).
posted by Artichoke Heart at 11:59 AM


Welcome back to the blogsphere, AH!

Hail and well met, fellow Caffeine Appreciating Person (CAP)... ;)
Blogger Lenka, at 1:49 PM  

I fear I once made coffee without putting the carafe under the coffee=maker. This led to the belated realization that those of us who resemble characters from Irwin Allen movies in our pre-caffeine states should not own press-board furniture. Or at least, should ntake. ot set the hot-liquid making appliances on said press-board furniture. Especially if, in our PC states, we are inclinded to look quizzically at the coffee trickling onto the kitchen carpet (another thing Irwin Allen sorts shouldn't own), at a loss for what action to take.
Anonymous Erin, at 5:38 PM  
Hilarious! This post is totally fresh (TF).
Blogger Camicao, at 6:03 PM  
Hee. Thank you Professor Camicao and Lenka. And Erin, perhaps there is a guidebook one could buy, I wonder, to irwin Allen-proof's one home? Kind of like feng shui? But not.
Blogger Artichoke Heart, at 9:31 PM  
This post made me laugh and chortle=happy monkey (HM)
Blogger Patty, at 8:24 AM  
Woman after my heart! Coffee heart=CH
Blogger gina, at 12:00 PM  
Sadly I had a similar morning. I blame it on those stupid thermos things (do we ever really need coffee to stay that warm??) This morning, my coffee maker seemed to leak the coffee all over the counter creating a small foundation that in desperation I tried to put a cup under, and when that didn’t work I simply tried to gather the coffee into a small pools so I could drain by straw, the remains to my cup. I am beyond all creatures most pitiful.

Btw, I was giving a reading in Palm Beach and thought I recognized you in the audience and almost called out from the microphone but of course, it wasn’t you and I didn’t make a complete ass of myself. But I did get my coffee this morning.
Blogger early hours of sky, at 2:46 PM  
Ah . . . a doppelganger in Palm Beach. How very, very interesting.
Blogger Artichoke Heart, at 11:44 AM  
Giggling madly!

Since I drink tea, not coffee, my curse is to keep forgetting the tea while it steeps, putting it in the microwave to heat, forgetting the tea, reheating it, forgetting, reheating...
Blogger Rana, at 12:48 AM  
Hey, great blog! Sounds like you need organic coffee.

I love coffee and did a keyword search on organic coffee and came up with your site. The association was close, anyway. Take care! Dave
Blogger Kevin Jackson, at 10:25 AM  
Well, this is interesting. I did a blog search for caffeine fact and found your site. When I get some time I'll come back and find out where caffeine fact appears and how it relates - if it even does. Take care - nice work.
Blogger Kevin Jackson, at 1:39 PM  
That sounds great, but I've seen very different opinions of vacuum forming
Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:49 PM  

Add a comment